I spent the weekend with the Tarmas’ and it was very special.  They just allowed me to be in their home and just showed me love and reassured me that they were my friends through all the hard times – just like I would be for them.

My friend Deanna has been very helpful too.  Without her I would have never sought professional help.  She is a wonderful person who I love very much just like the Tarmas’ (all of them).

I have still been very tired – not getting much rest but spending much time in bed.  I think I may ask my doctor for some Ambient or something that will allow me to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time.

Also, on a good note, we are getting a dog tomorrow.  My mom is getting it from a friend and I am very happy.  Dogs are very therapeutic and I think it will help me feel a bit better.

Alright, I am going to get some sleep now, try to be more interesting another day.

Today is the day that I get help to get past this horrible nightmare.  I have high hopes for this session and know that after all of this is over I will be better person.  I already know I am a better person than my ex, that isn’t too hard to be.  I will post more on this entry when I get back.

I am so tired of being over emotional over this.  It has been over a month now – could have been less if someone would have been honest, but that is besides the point.

I am going to try to get a little more sleep before I go, but like I said will update when I get back.

The meeting went well, I feel much better.  I have another one tomorrow and again in a couple weeks, will see how it goes then.

Didn’t sleep any today either, hoping tonight will be better.

Wow, I have never met someone who was so good at being dishonest.  I have learned so much about my ex and how he really is and it is just amazing.  Every moment truly was false.  And I am honestly not being dramatic in that statement.  He is a habitual cheater and manipulator, which in all honesty shocks me because he is not really intelligent.  I think my issue with the current state of mind is that I knew from day 1 that I was going to have to settle for far less then I wanted for this one.  I did because, partly, he is good at the illusion of caring.  And partly because I apparently have no self worth.

It is not fair that this experience has happened to me.  I am a nice person who treats people well and respects them and does sweet things for them to a fault.  He stole my natural loving personality and stomped it into the ground because he was so selfish that he couldn’t just deal with his current responsibilities before he moved onto another thing to occupy his time.  That he felt the need to keep me just close enough, just in case the new thing didn’t go as well as he had hoped.  I have no respect for people who can’t be alone.

He is the worst human being I have ever met.  I am so glad to be completely rid of him so he can no longer do damage to me.  What kind of a person treats other people that way?

How did I fall in love – that is a great question.  Here are my thoughts…  I don’t think I was.  I don’t think I loved him at all.  I think my issue is with failure.  The main reason I say this is because I didn’t tell him I loved him until we had a split.  And that was a couple years into the relationship.  I think I said this as a way to justify to myself that there was something worth working for?  See I don’t fail in my professional life.  I am the leader, I make the decisions that finish the project in the green.  In relationships I think I need a break from always being the winner.  The downfall is that I go too relaxed.  When I would go to his house, I honestly had nothing to talk to him about.  Which actually worked out well because as it turns out he didn’t care about what I had to say.  When we would talk I would ask things like what did you eat today?  What the hell kind of a conversation is that?!

I do wish that this situation could have ended in a better way.  But I am not sorry for feeling so angry about being tricked.  And that is all it is, a trick.  I would hope that he becomes a better person after realizing what he is doing is wrong and painful to innocent people, but remember what I said, he really is pretty dumb.

We will see what tomorrow brings – I start a new chapter in this life.  A better one than most.  I will not feel pain caused by this worthless piece of shit in 2016 – or any other worthless thing!  His lies will no longer have any power over me.  He almost got the best of me, but in this failure there will be major success.

I have turned the corner.  This could have been done a while ago, but my ex was such a coward that he let me suffer with this pain all on my own.  I found out that he was seeing someone else while he was with me.  But that really isn’t the worst part, the thing that got me over the hump is that he had the audacity to introduce her to one of the few friends I have a week after he dumped me.  He thought so incredibly little of our relationship and me that he would so selfishly do that.  Well, he is an idiot coward, so it should have been no surprise

The point is that I am no longer sad.  It is amazing how just one thing to latch onto can change your whole outlook.  This weekend was so depressing for me and now I actually am grateful that he didn’t respect me.

Is it still a hard road ahead, yes, but I can see a happy ending finally.

I have learned a lesson here too and I was very worried that I wouldn’t.  The lesson is that you MUST understand what makes you happy and do not give up any of them for another person.  If you care about them and they care about you all your happiness requirements and all their happiness requirements will be easily met.

My ex had no idea what I liked and didn’t like because he chose not to care and I chose not to require that he did.  That is my fault and not his.  His downfall was that he chose not to be honest.  He chose to cheat and be a coward instead of dealing with his current situation, however difficult that it would have been, BEFORE he got involved with another relationship.  He never admitted it and denied it till the end.  How proud his new girlfriend must be of her big strong man.

The point is that while I am mad now and blaming him for his shitty-ness, I still have responsibility in this and I absolutely refuse to fall for this again.  The good part about that is that I won’t be heartless, it isn’t required to make sure you don’t get hurt.  What is required is understanding that you can not expect someone else to make you happy.  How exhausting that would be.  Should they make you happy – yes, but it shouldn’t be that you NEED them to make you happy.  That is how you get so attached that when it is over, you are reduced to nothing – like what I just went through for the last month.  But, NO MORE!!!!

I have almost finished erasing him from my heart.  I have deleted every email, every voicemail, every bit of contact information I have for him and I closed my facebook again – I don’t really see any value in that one anyway.  I only turned it back on to try an app that requires it.  The reasoning here is that I kept going back over the texts, over the emails, just obsessing over everything.  Hoping that there was a chance that we would be together again.  Now the mindset has changed and I don’t need that.  I never want to see him again, he doesn’t deserve anything kind from me.

I am going to close this out and hopefully get some good sleep tonight – if I do it will be the first time in a long time and really needed.

 

Yep, thats’s right the gym is really paying off this fall!  I am down 20 pounds and a couple sizes since July this year.  Some of it has to do with a kickstart in my diet – thanks to not feeling great emotionally, but now things are starting to progress.  I am really trying to focus on good things right now and, obviously I will have bad days or bad portions of days, but I am trying to focus on exercise and getting my mind and body working for me instead of against me.

While working out you are supposed to have a rush of endorphins that make you feel good.  Well, to be honest, right now these workout spikes are actually just making me more emotional.  Which is great except that my state of mind is not very sunshiny lately.

Things will get better, I just have to keep working on it.  Keep focusing on moving forward.  Set goals, achieve!  I will certainly be working for no more wasted tears.  I never want to forget the pain I felt during this time because I don’t want to fall into it ever again.  Time heals all wounds, but never let them heal without a scar.  You have to learn a lesson from every bad experience – if you don’t, you have failed that lesson completely and will be forced to repeat it.  I have failed this lesson a couple times now and I am not a failure so guess this is it.  I don’t want to have memories of this time except what is needed to make sure I don’t repeat it!

I wish it could be -20 pounds of weight off of my heart and soul and not just fat off of my body…

So I ditched Facebook because of my ex almost 2 years ago and decided to bring it back just to waste some time.  My return analysis is that it is so bad.  All the friends that I had just post recipes of sweet treats that I don’t eat

Anyway – it is a total waste of time and I am not sure that I need more of that in my life 😉